"Take love, multiply it by infinity and take it to the depths of forever...

... and you still have only a glimpse of how I feel for you."

- Meet Joe Black

Wednesday, July 22, 2015

Happy 5th Birthday

Dear Daughter

Its hard to believe 5 years have gone by since you entered our lives. Especially since  everyday you wake up just a wee bit more independent then the day before. But with that independence comes discovery. You've learned things that make you wonder and question more. Things that have made you laugh and want to share. Things that made you feel proud and full of life. But not all has or will make you smile or feel good. Some has left you feeling unsure of yourself, and people and things around you.

So, as you sit before me colouring, I'll start this special birthday letter.

One of Absolutes.

Not a day goes by where you do not share or give things to those around you. Whether it be toys, food, or the gift of your smile. Your always putting others before you. Thinking of ways to help.

In your short life so far you have faced your own wee hardships. Feeling like your 'not good enough'. Left out. And you've wondered why the bad things happen. You have handled  those situations  better then I ever could. Better then most adults. You've thought these times through, worked it out, and came up with solutions. And if there wasn't  a clear cut ending, you dealt with your own  feelings in a way that's way beyond your years.

Sometimes I am in awe of your courage my Darlin Girl. Your adventurous spirit knows no bounds. Every day is an opportunity to learn and do something new and your going to do it Come hell or high water. And for those around who may not feel that strength, your always there, reaching out a hand to help.

Not just in the ABC 123 kinda ways. Although you pick up things pretty quickly. But your thirst for knowledge inspires me everyday. You share with us daily your ability to understand things far beyond your age. Encouraging us to see thing's from a new perspective.  So that all of those around you see things in a new light.

You give LOVE. So openly. So freely. To everyone around you.  A hundred times a day you share your 'I Love Yous', hugs and kisses. But its your kind words and thoughtfulness towards others that inspires me. You encourage other's.  And remind  us all to feel thankful  for all our blessings.

Inside and out. You radiate this amazing light around you that draws others in. Your smile....jeeze kid. YOUR SMILE! It gets me through the worst moments. That smile and your laughter is so contagious I don't even care what were beaming about. You share that happiness.

It's  been said often that your  very sensitive,  like me.  But your also fierce like your Daddy. Sometimes you can so clearly pick up what others are feeling and then feel them yourself. You can be feisty.  And have a fiery temper when its roused. And there may come  a day when someone says 'Your too sensitive'. DONT LISTEN TO THEM BABY GIRL! For you wear your feelings for all to see. That is nothing to be ashamed of. That takes courage and bravery.  People will understand you better. And it means you'll always take others feelings into account. You have a big heart my girl. So be proud, and never be afraid to let others see it.

So, my Darlin Baby Girl.
Your 5 years old now. These years have begun the mold of the wonderfully,  caring, and amazing woman you'll one day become. I know I often say how these years have gone by so fast. And they have. If I could hold on to so many of these precious moments longer, I would. But I have to say, these years have been  good to you and I. In the way that I feel so lucky to watch you grow...and be a part of it. I am excited to see what changes may come this next year, and what paths it will lead. To see how much you'll grow. Physically and emotionally.  (Size 13 shoe kid!) I'm  looking forward to the lessons learned and milestones met. For both of us.

And the one thing that has only gotten stronger, deeper...just MORE absolute with time...Is how much I LOVE YOU.

You. Are. Loved.
Beyond measure.
Times infinity.
Touch blue.

Happy 5th Birthday Darlin Girl
Love Always and Forever

Friday, February 13, 2015

I Found A Lump...

Dear Daughter

Shortly before my 30th Birthday I found a lump in my breast.

It was late, I was hurrying through a shower when I distractedly gave myself the 'routine' self exam....and found a lump. Immediately started comparing sides and investigating the size and texture. There was definitely a almondy sized lump there. it was hard, smooth and I began to breath a little faster. I called your father in. Hes the strong one. My rock. I can always count on him. He came in right away, felt me up and said "Yea...I feel it. I'm sure its nothing.' I chose to believe that. Theres no way it was what my mind immediately jumped to. What any woman's mind would. Instead I tried to convince myself It was nothing. We all had doctors appointments for the following week so I I tried to put it out of my mind till then. If it went away...I wouldn't mentioned it. If it was there, Id bring it up'. Still, I obsessively checked everyday while getting dressed. just to see if I still felt it.

A week later I was laying on the exam table at the Drs office and finally brought it up near the end. I hadn't forgotten about it but I was still trying to convince myself it was no big deal. The Doc began the breast exam on my left side (she wanted to see for herself if she could find anything) She was still talking to me about the previous subject, giving me options for our next infertility step; when she switched to my other breast....and then stopped mid sentence. She had felt the lump too.

She told me that she was sure there was nothing to worry about. I was only 30 years old. but because of my mothers history with cancer we were going to run some tests anyway. She asked me a bunch of questions, continued my physical and asked me to get dressed and wait for the nurse. When her assistant came back in she had several papers in her hand. one was for lab work. 6 viles. ( which anyone who knows me knows me and my shy veins found this hell) then she began to explain that they had booked me in for. My doc was sending me to get both pelvic and breast ultrasounds....and my very first mammogram.


Later that night, after a good crying jag I still felt slightly disoriented, unsure...lost. Im just barely 30 years old. This shouldn't be happening. I tried to focus on the positives. I tried to appreciate the thoroughness of my Dr. That we were on top of whatever THIS was. But at the same time I was sooo incredibly scared. Why the urgency? Why all the tests? If it really is 'probably nothing" why is this all happening so fast. And just for kicks...Why is this taking so long? I had to wait a whole WEEK for the tests. That's one week of tears. stress and Dr Google. A week of not sleeping, of what ifs and pity parties.

I want you to know that through all this I did my best to not let you see. Not let you feel an ounce of the pain I was feeling. But you knew. You could tell that things were different. That even though I smiled and played, that laughter didn't reach my eyes. And I'm sorry for that. If anything, this whole thing has made me appreciate all those little moments even more then I did before. And for that I'm grateful.


But Im frustrated. Because everyone is saying its nothing. That there is no need to worry. No use crying over something that we don't know is there or not. But I don't want want to hear that right now. I want to hear this sucks. That its scary. That no matter what you ll be there for me. I want to climb under the covers and wake up when this is all over...

But I cant. Because there is you my darling amazing little girl. You, who I love more then life itself. Your right there every morning whispering I Love Yous and starting the day with smiles and laughter. Theres breakfast to be made, and games to be played. Laundry to be done and dishes rinsed. Stories read and long, sweet cuddles. So I try to push it away, to be positive, pretend my head isn't screaming in fear and confusion. I just want answers.


I got through the next week by either DISTRACTION or OBSESSING. Some days I kept myself busy with cooking, cleaning playing and baking. I felt like now was the best time to totally gut the cupboards and clean. Or sorting through the immense about of toys and crafts. And today we should definitely get all your stuffies and have an uber elaborate tea party complete with picnicy foods. And I liked those days. They were quick, and productive. Other days were slow. I hated those days. I wouldn't get dressed. Or brush my hair. I did the bare minimum and felt so incredibly guilty for it. I would put my headphones in and binge watch episodes of Gilmore Girls and The Torkelsons and The Mentalist... all the while sneaking peaks of your Daddy and you playing together. And I inevitably thought of all the things I shouldn't. How many playtimes do I have left. How many stories. laughs and cuddles. Then I felt so guilty and like a drama queen. That I was emotionally over reacting. But there my feelings. This was my reaction. I couldn't sleep at night and drove myself crazy. Id stay up late Googleing things like I FOUND A LUMP....MY FIRST MAMMOGRAM ....OTHER CAUSES OF BREAST ABNORMALITIES


Fast forward to the day of the tests. I was incredible nervous but just wanted to get it over with. I drank all the requested water and fell like I was either going to puke or pee before this was all finished. They got me in rather quickly, beginning with the Pelvic Ultrasound. After a several minutes, the technician informed me that with my Mothers previous history of Civic Cancer the Dr wanted an Internal Ultrasound as well. Just to make sure we had all the information we could. After that there was only a few short minutes till my Mammogram. They technician, ( her name was Diane, she said we should be on a first name basis if we were getting to second base) asked me several questions, felt around, and then added several flowery stickers where she felt anything palpable. I remember being cold...and feeling overwhelmed. I wont go into too much detail of the actual Mammogram. But suffice it to say it was like using one of those Shoppers Blood Pressure Machines... on your boobies...4 times. I lost the awkward embarrassment after being repositioned and pulled during the second round. Then I was led to a smaller colder waiting room with other women while my scans were read by the specials. Now it could have just been my embarrassment of the gown, still wearing the stickers, or being the youngest one by at leave 20-30 years....but I felt like they were all giving me sad yet supportive looks. They all said hello and asked me a question or two about my yarn project. ( I brought with me to distract and pass the time) 10 excruciating long minutes later, Diane came and brought me into another room. We had to take a closer look, and ultrasound the right side. I quietly lay down and let her do her thing. She tried to engage me in conversation but by now I lost all my nervous blabbering and wanted to be finished.

Again, they asked me to wait. not to change, in case they needed further investigating. This time I just sat there staring at the door. I thought about you, your Daddy, my family....just hoping and praying that all of this really was for nothing...

A few minutes later a different technician came in to tell me I could get dressed. That the Dr "Didn't feel the need for further scans. And that the report will be sent to my Dr, who will get in touch in the next day or two"

I felt relief. Surely if there was some ting to be concerned about they'd keep me for more scans. or the possible biopsy that my Dr has warned me about? I took this as good news. I was still stressed, and worried. But not nearly as much as I had been the previous week.

Unfortunately...this meant more waiting.


By the end of that week I was still feeling stressed and jumped whenever the phone rang. When the Drs Office called I went into the bedroom and answered the phone. "Shannon, its Janine from Dr S Office. She wanted me to call and assure you that your Mammogram and Breast Ultrasounds came back normal. All is well. She wants you to get annual Mammograms from here on out though because of you and your family's history."

I must have thanked her. I know we spoke more because my Doctor still wanted me to book an appointment to discuss other lab results.  But I didn't feel the fear and urgency that I had the last month. I felt like a weight had been lifted and I could actually breathe again. That whatever we still have to talk about is NOTHING compared to the way I felt this past while.  I felt that this moment was like a new beginning for me. I cried a bit, and before I let your Daddy know...I just held you. I kissed your forehead and we finished every page of that damn Search and Find Book that we've been through more then enough times before.

And when you looked up, and asked if those were happy tears in my eyes I said "Yes Baby. Those are Im so happy I could cry and laugh tears". You said "Those are the best kind".

My Darling Girl
I love you so incredibly much.
Always and Forever

1 in 8 woman born today will be diagnosed with Breast Cancer at some time during her lifetime. Its hard to imagine someone who hasn't been impacted by this disease. Its the strength and support of family and friends that get them through the trying times. Please take a moment today to tell someone you love them. And that no matter what, your there for them.

Sunday, January 25, 2015

First Day Of School

Dear Daughter

Well...Today's the day.
Your first day of school.

This morning your Daddy woke me up and I climbed in next to you, just to watch you sleep. As I like to do. I knew I should wake you, there were a hundred things to do, but I wanted. ..No, needed... a few more precious moments before you embarked on this new chapter in your life. A new adventure that wony always include me in it. One where you'll grow and learn abd become the woman you were meant to be.

And my heart hurts.
Because I was laying there thinking of all the things we haven't done together. All the things I should have taught you. All the words I should have said and all the stories I should have read.

And my heart hurts.
Because it seems over night you've become so big and brave and independent. And wasn't it just yesterday that I held you in my arms, so small and delicate?! Overwhelming me with love and alllll the feelings!

And my heart hurts.
Because in another few seconds I knew you would open your eyes and I would have to brush my tears away, take a deep breath and begin this monumental day.

So this morning we walked hand in hand. Bellies full of oatmeal and chattered all the way to your class. Your cowgirl boots clip clopped, (of course you wore them!) And every few feet you'd skip in delight and sing "We're going to school! I'm starting school today!" We spoke of all the exciting things you'd learn this year...The friends you'd make...And what I would possibly do with allll my free time! (According to you; read, crochet, laundry and eat cereal out of the box because I didn't have anyone to cook for! )

We walked in, and before you ran off to play I held you close, kissed your face and whispered my I Love Yous. One. More. Time.

As you ran off, Introducing yourself as Macaroni Pyle...I recalled this morning when you finally opened your eyes...The first thing you said to me..."Mornin Momma. Woo hoo! Its the first day of school!" And being my girl you just know me..."Dont be sad Momma. If you get scared all by yourself, just look down the street. And I will see you soon!"

And my heart hurt.
But I took a deep breath, smiled and looked forward to our next adventure.

I love you Baby Girl
Always and Forever

School Registration

Dear Daughter

Last week we passed another milestone. One that came to quickly and I wasn't sure any of us were ready for...

Last week we registered you for school.

Afterwards I couldn't help but think about how many firsts you have left. How many we'll see coming. How many will surprise us. I feel equal parts sad and in awe.
Your my 'not so little' little girl.

Its only the end of January and already you've accomplished some firsts and special moments. You had your first 'big hill' solo sled ride. Used big kid skates on your Daddy-Daughter skate date. Made it to your first friend birthday party; and you were a fantastic helper! You made it to the very top of the indoor playroom by yourself. You even made me my birthday cake; from scratch and by yourself. Supervised of course, and not the dangerous parts.

I know this year will have a few more firsts and a few more big moments.

This year you will turn 4 years old. You will top the height restrictions on most rides. You'll begin wearing double digits in shoes. This year you will join soccer camp; and we may even give dance a try.

And this year you will be in school.

On these days I will kiss you and wish you a good day. I'll stand back and watch you run with delight to join your new friends. You will play new games, learn new things and have a gazillion new experiences.

And selfish thought or no...I'm sad that a lot if them wont include me. Up until this point, all the ins and outs of your day were intertwined with mine. 'Wherever you will go I will go' and all that.

All my days are planned around you and now...8:15 every morning I will whisper my I Love You's as you run off to grow and learn without me.

And I know this is the right thing for you. And I know I'll still be involved. And I'm sure I'll have plenty to fill my time. And im sure I'll be thankful for the uninterrupted me/chore time. But I will also long for the days where we played, laughed and cuddled together whenever we chose.

But I can promise you this... at the end of those days, good or bad, you will leave your classroom and always always always know this. That I will be there. With open arms and a smile on my face. I'll be waiting. You'll tell me about your day. All the happy moments and the sad. I promise to listen and I promise to ask questions.

And till the next time you go. We'll play, laugh and cuddle close. Then we'll whisper our I Love You's and do it all again.

Till the end of time, my sweet baby girl, I can promise you this...

I will always be sad when you go. I will always miss you while we're apart. And I will always feel great joy when I see you again. Pinky promise.

I love you little girl.
Always and orever

Thursday, May 31, 2012

Confessions of a Stay At Home Mama...

Dear Daughter

Recently, Jess Constable of Makeunder My Life wrote a blog post. It sparked a twitter conversation about how over styled and/or perfect our lives can appear on blogs/Facebook/Pinterest yada yada. Most people go on these social media sites to share thoughts, ideas that inspire us, day to day living, photos, gorgeous products or homes we covet etc. From the outside looking in, lives can sometimes appear rosier than they are.

Then look at things from a woman's perspective. Or a mother's. A daughters. A friend.  Most of us can't help it. We look at other peoples Facebook feeds and think "Oh.My.Lanta! That is amazing" or "How does she find the time" or "I wish I had thought of that". Or the past comment I got "Did you really do that , or are you just showing off". Now the last was said in a joking manner, but to me it was hurtful...and thought provoking.  Do I only post, tag, photograph the good, and leave out the bad....  

Heck Ya I do! Why the H.E. Double hockey stick would I photograph a picture of your crib after you decided that "nope, no diaper for me...oh and btw I made a doodie"
Does that  sound like something Id be ecstatic about at 3 in the morning? Nope! 

Now in saying that, I have posted about things that have just driven me up the wall, made me want to cry and induced almost blubbering, but all in all I mostly post about good things. Happy things. Things that make me go "awww, I wish you stayed this size/age/temperament for eva and eva"

Then a challenge was issued. To share things we wouldn't typically talk about on our walls,blogs, and boards . Things like  imperfections, insecurities, quirks, etc.

So here goes...The Confessions of THIS Stay At Home Mama....

1) In the morning (read:every morning) I stick you on the couch with a glass of milk and put Elmo/Dora/Super Readers on until the coffee is made. Until that glorious machine stops sputtering, I'm a walking zombie with no interest in changing out of my sweats.

2) Besides the Go-To Craft Cupboard upstairs, I have 2 large boxes of nothing but scrapbook paper, 13 boxes of misc. craft supplies, 138 balls of yarn, 11 empty scrapbooks and 4, 2 gallon bottles filled with buttons, stamps and beads that I refuse to "Yard Sale" because I know ONE DAY I will use them....You say hoarder, I call it thinking ahead.

3) I own 27.5  of what I call "Happy Socks".  Leopard print, smiley faces, lights, feathers and even Winnie the Pooh are all part of my collection. Others don't know I'm wearing them, but I do. And that gives me a little Happy Oh So Secret Perk Up to my day!

4) On our bed, we have two comforters. One duvet and and a thin quilt. That's right, your Daddy and I rarely share a blanket. You see, he's a human heater and I'm a Popsicle most of the time. We love each other so much, but only seek the "shared blanket time" when my feet are cold or your father and I are....well.. you know...

5)Yes, we really do bake at least twice a week. Yes we really do crafts several times a week. And yes you get your "Canadian Physical Recomendation" of 3 hours  a day of active play. BUT... I'm a homebody, so if the choice is to have that play in at the park/ neighboring field or home...
I choose the playroom or backyard 7 times out of 10.  Why? No really good excuse...But if I'd have to say....As a red head, the sun and I have a love/hate relationship. Mosquitoes think I'm a Kings Palace Buffet, Sand ALWAYS gets in places it shouldn't be, and it never fails I trip/slip/hulk stomp a hole in the ground and end up on my patootie.

6)Our house is clean. I make sure that things are swept,mopped and germ free. But if you want to haggle the difference between Clean Vs Tidy....Well...Let's just say our home looks "lived in" . We have a lot going on throughout the day, so who could blame me if I chose Slime Making over laundry....Who?

7) I'm going to  contradict myself and say I LOVE Going out! (see#5)..I LOVE grocery shopping. I LOVE going to the post office. I LOVE those mundane errands that others think are a nusence because they get me out of the house doing something different. I'm like a puppy as soon as we get in the car. Big smile on my face, head halfway out the window, bopping to some tunes. I easily waste a few hours strolling Walmart's isle's and don't even get me started on the Dollar Store.

8)The Library is like my little piece of Heaven on Earth. Really, I could go there everyday and never be bored. You and I go a handful of  times a week. Between drop in play, Rhyme Time and our weekly family stop off, we probably spend upwards of 6 hours at the library every week. (ok, sometimes more) Reading might be an obsession in our house, but there are worse obsessions. Emirite?!!?

9) I sometimes bribe you to eat your meals by promising candy or ice cream afterwards... then sometimes I conveniently forget.....Then I  give you Yogurt Popcicles or Fruit Kabobs instead. Yes. I'm a briber, and a  liar...... and I ate your candy.

10) Sometimes I think I'm becoming my mother . Don't get me wrong, I love my mother! But I find myself saying some of the things  she used to say, that at the time I thought were ridiculous and drove me to the brink of insanity. Of course, anything I might say is not serious, and just something that happens to fit the situation...
Like ...
"Let me finish doing your hair or I will snatch you bald headed"(what does that even mean?)
"Ohh Baby, did you squat your finger in the cupboard...lemme kissem better!" (squat??)
"Noo lovey, those are Mama's candies....you get these yummy dried fruit ones" (total B.S.)
"You look like an orphan" (short pants, holey clothes, stains etc)
"Don't have a canary!" or "Conniption Fit!" (Is that even possible?Nope!)
"Open Your Ears By'"(She still says this, and now I do....I still don't know what it means...)

I also find myself laughing like her, that full body-throw your head back-hear you a block away, laugh. I'm sure 20-30- years from now, you'll be saying the same things, and shaking your head thinking "Oh, No! I'm turning into my mother!"

So there it is. Well a few of them at least. I assure there are other things I do that would make "scaredy face" on some other parents, that I do with no hesitation. 

 I've said it before, and I'll say it again....

Nope, I'm not perfect. But I do my best. I love deeply and whole heartily. I truly BELIEVE that good things are going to happen, and I try to be thankful at least once a day...

I love you little girl
Always & Forever

Monday, May 14, 2012

Dear Mother...

Dear Daughter

Mother's Day has come and gone for another year. We spent the day at the lake, having a picnic with your Daddy. We played in the sand, put our feet in the water, and chased bubbles across the park. It was a very relaxed, and very perfect day spent with the two loves of my life.

After we came home, had you bathed, fed, read, and in bed, I finally got a chance to call my mother. We spent a good hour on the phone chatting about nothing and everything. How we spent out day, books we are reading, Avon catalogs and Old Navy must haves. The usual. Later on that night, I started some philosophical thinking. You know...The woulda, shoulda, coulda's. With us out here in Alberta, and your Nanny, Aunties, Uncles and other countless amount of Catholic-Newfie sized family out on the East Coast,  you can imagine we don't get to see them much. I started thinking back on all the grief, and hell-fire I put your Nanny through. All the late night card games, confessions and cuppa's in the kitchen. All the advice I didn't listen to and wish I had. And all of the numerous things we did together.

And I started thinking, if I had to make make a list, one that had all of the highlighted (in my mind anyways) points of those times. What would it look like? What would I say? Could I express how I really felt?  Her and I still write letters to one another, on top of the many phone calls. Mostly, we write about our days, recipes etc. But I really wanted her to know how much those chats, cuppa's, games etc meant to me. Not at the time.:) At the time my sole goals were to A) Spend as much time as I could with my girlfiriends. B)Marry the grade school crush. C) Look like anyone but me.

Now that I''m grown up, I finally have the chance to tell her what a great mother she really is. How is raised me to be confidant, kind and generous. To work hard for what I want and always follow my dreams. She told me to always keep smiling. Inspire others. Appreciate a good sense of humor. She raised me to be creative and use my imagination. And most of all, to love. Deeply, wholeheartedly, and without reservation. 

So here it is! A compilation of just a few of the things I want My Mother to know. Things I hope she knows, I still remember. Things that, for that time in my life, meant everything...

Dear Mom. 
I dyed my hair blue with Kool Aid, and you didn't say I told you so.
Thank You
Love, Your Kid.

Dear Mom, 
You always told me I could be and do whatever I set my heart to. Seeing how you were so good at it, I just want to be a good mommy and wife. But if I had to choose an actual job...
I want to be a(n)_____ (musician/Dr/actress/ninja turtle/lawyer/hippi/bad ass police officer/the person who owns Franks downtown).
Love, Your Kid

Dear Mom,
Remember when I _______ (tried to do the dishes & flooded the kitchen / thought a snake would be a good pet / painted a moustache on you while you were sleeping) & you totally forgave me?
Thanks for that. 
Love, your Kid.

Dear Mom,
You always made my pancakes into shapes and letters. I always loved that.
Now I do that for Macaroni.
Love, your Kid

Dear Mom,
You always pointed out that spitting/picking your nose/ 'hawking a lougi'/cussing weren't "Lady-Like" things to do. I didn't appreciate it, and now say the same things to MJ. 
You were right!
Love, your Kid

Dear Mom,
You sang to me. Sometimes you rhymed, sometimes you sang stories, and sometimes Dr. Hook lyrics stuck in my head for weeks. Sometimes songs were silly, sometimes they made no sense, and sometimes they involved kindly spoken threats if I didn't clean my room.
In my book; Happiness=Singing while you clean. You sang to me a lot.
Love, your Kid
P.S. "I love you a bushel and a peck and a hug around the neck. A barrel and a heap, and I'm talking in my seep....about you!"

Dear Mom,
When Daddy passed away, you held things together, and kept me sane. I never appreciated the strength you showed, when in hindsight, you were hurting too. Thank you for being you. Being there. Loving. 
Love, your Kid

Dear Mom,
So, remember that time that your Ashley-Morgan knocked your huge spider plant over and it made a big mess?
Yeah, that was me. Sorry. Forgive and forget yada yada yada
Love, your Kid

Dear Mom,
I made your special Christmastime Snowball recipe this year without you. I followed your plans to a tee (a dash or this, and now put in a good handful of that) and they turned out delicious. Still not like yours, but good.
Love, your Kid

Dear Mom,
"Did you ever know that your my hero" Having a Bette  Middler/Beaches moment. I loved watching that movie with you.
Love, your Kid

Dear Mom,
You wouldn't have REALLY beat us with the giant four foot spoon......would ya?
Love, your Kid

Dear Mom,
I wouldn't exist without you. Literally.
Thanks for that.
Love, your Kid.

Dear Mom,
Although we live far away, and we don't get to see each other much; I hope you know that I think about you everyday. We talk to Macaroni about you, show her pictures and tell her stories. We look forward to our skyping dates, long phone calls and letters in the mail. 
We love you. We miss you. We hope to see you soon.
Love, the Daughter you raised, inspired, and grew up to want to be just like you.

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

A Mark For Every Breath You Took...

Dear Daughter

When you were born, you changed our lives in so many way. You made me love more, sleep less, have more patience, and be more creative. You made me be thankful for the little things. Count my blessings. Brush off negative thoughts and be who I am, to the best of my ability.  I became your mama the moment I learned you were coming. From that day on, I promised to do my best. I also learned that I'm not perfect. Far from it. I have faults, I get mad and  make mistakes. But I learn from them. 

Another change you made in  me is a little more visual. I laugh more. Smile more. I have creases on  my forehead from worry, and lines on my face from how absolutely, outrageously happy I am. And lower, on my tummy, where only you, my sweet baby girl, heard my heart beating, you left your mark there too.

There's a mark for every breath you took. Every blink. Every sleepy yawn. One for every time you sucked your thumb.Waved hello. Rolled around. And slept in the most perfect darkness. There's one for every hiccup, every smile and every dream you dreamed within me. 

I've got a mark for every worry, and trust me, there were a few. One for every kick, stretch and push. One for each of your perfect little toes, fingers, ears and nose. Clearly outlined in those first few photo's. 

I watched my body swell. Grow round. Create magic.
My feet were gone from sight, clothes didn't fit and from now till forever, my tummy wont be the same. You left your mark. Some call them stripes or badges of honor. Some might think they're ugly. But not me.

No, not me. These marks are there to remind me how much you wanted to be here. What a miracle you are. They show my pride, and my love. They adorn that special place that held you, when my arms couldn't.... yet. They are there forever. Now light silver lines, that once were raw and red. 

And I'd do it all over again, because those marks.....they'd mean I'd have you.

I love you my sweet baby girl.
Always & Forever