"Take love, multiply it by infinity and take it to the depths of forever...

... and you still have only a glimpse of how I feel for you."

- Meet Joe Black

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Worst Mommy Award

Dear Daughter

Let me preface this by reminding you how much I love you. It doesn't matter that you cry sometimes, that your diapers can make my eyes water or that "Helpful Hints of the Future" from other parents scare me senseless. I love you. 

The other night I had one of "Those Nights". The ones other parents never tell you about because they feel they can't share. Well, I'll share. Up until now your father and I considered ourselves pretty lucky. You rarely cry, and only when you have a #1 in your diaper. Now, a #2, meh, doesn't bother you. Generally you have been a pretty happy baby so far, so this night was a shock to the sense's.

All day you had been a "little off". You had been a little winy, a little clingy, and drooling like that dog Hooch in the movie with Tom Hank. Your cries had been steadily escalating in quantity and pitch over that last hour and it was becoming increasingly apparent (at least to me) that I WAS A FAILURE! 

I mean, I thought I was doing a decent job at the "Mom" thing until then. I tried the million different things that have either a) worked in the past 2) were told to us by others or c) that the ever knowledgeable "What to Expect" book said to do. I rocked, bounced, changed, fed, burped and repeated and still nothing worked. Your Daddy was late getting home from work, and I was praying he would walk in the door to help and then.....your cries went off the scale. I did the thing that parents don't really talk about.. I put you in in your crib, leaned against the wall and slid to the floor where I promptly burst into tears.I covered my ears and rocked a little bit. I bet I looked insane.  I felt like such a failure.That I deserved the "Worst Mother of the Year Award".  You were crying, I felt at the end of my rope and on top of that add on the great heap of guilt for letting your cry. Not just letting you, but actively trying not to hear. This only lasted a few moments, but those were the longest, and most guilt ridden moments of my life thus far.

I then had an idea. I ran to our room and grabbed my Ipod. Now let me tell you, I like to sing as much as the next person. In the privacy of my shower where I can't scare small children. Iv been compared to a Cat on a Hot Tin Roof. I'm that good.! I put in the ear buds, flipped songs till I came to some of the GLEE soundtracks, (yes, I'm a Gleek) and picked you up. I resumed my seat on the floor with you cuddled to me and started to sing along. 

Now, I don't know if it was the rocking, cuddles or the power of Journey at their finest but miraculously, you stopped crying. In between songs you brought it down to a few sniffles. And that's where Daddy found us. Dancing around the room, Ipod on full blast, my eyes shut and singing my heart out. And you, you were asleep.I must have looked a wreck. Dressed in yoga pants, hair not brushed, certainly hadn't showered, swaying back and forth ....and a smile on my face.

You see  I had realized that I can't be the best Mama all the time. I can try my best. Give you everything I have. But sometimes, your just going to want to cry. I stopped thinking of myself as a failure and started thinking I was a work in progress. You had fallen asleep. I had done that. Well, Journey helped, and maybe your exhaustion had a part in it. But mostly, I helped. You reminded me that you might not always "Need" something other then me. Just a hug and a kiss and the Mama smell that is me. Just to hold you and remind you that your loved and I'm there. Always.

So, remember in the future. That even though I might get flustered and appear to have it all together. I probably don't. But that's OK. We'll figure things together.

I love you Little Girl
Always and Forever

written: 10/.20/2010

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

How You Came To Be

Dear Daughter

I have seen those shows on t.v. 'I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant!' and thought..."C'mon....How could you possibly NOT know you were pregnant? There's a Baby in there. You have to know! " Well I'm going to tell you about how we came to know we were pregnant with you. You see, I didn't know I was pregnant. In fact,  I was already 5 months along!!!!

Lets rewind a little shall we and give you a little history. I have always had my share of medical conditions. I swear, the day The Lord gave out immunity I must have slept in that day. Your Aunt Ashley and Uncle Jason are perfectly fine. Me, well, not so much.  I need glasses, have asthma, I'm epileptic, I'm allergic to practically everything outside and a handful of foods. I have Thyroid disease and am told I might have Poly cystic Ovarian Syndrome. That last one ties into how you came to be. Iv  been on and off different medications since I was a child and even now have to get monthly blood work to make sure everything is going according to plan. What all this boils down to is, I'm a hurting unit. 

But nothing hurt me more then when a few years ago, I was told I could never have children. I was devastated. All I ever wanted to be was a good Mother and Wife and it seemed fate was taking that away from me. After many tests, ultra sounds and medication trials, it seemed that my body just didn't want to ovulate. In plain speaking, for several years, my "Aunt Flo" refused to come for a visit. We were told, it happens for 5-10% of women. It might pick back up again, but they don't know for sure.Daddy said we could always adopt. But I wanted one of my own Then, the ball began to roll...

Late fall of 2010, I had a routine ultra-sound. My mother, and other family members have had a turn at the big 'C' and apparently I had "A" Typical cells. When the results came in. I was told I had a mass in my uterus. Now ,my white cells were fine they said. It could mean a cyst, or several other things . What they would do, My Dr said is monitor it. Keep checking my cell counts and have a follow up ultra sound in the future to see if the "mass" has grown. I left the Dr's office scared, a little sick to my stomach and upset, understandably. But in No way did I ever imagine I was pregnant. Why would I? I was told it was impossible right? Fast forward to Christmas, and I was back at the Dr's with a lung infection which had me on antibiotics, and x-rays to view other goings on in my body. I know what your thinking X-RAYS!!! NOOOOOO but remember I didn't know you were in there. Soon after I started to feel cramping, tired and bloated all the time, but especially after I ate. I was then told I had Celiac Disease. That I was having an allergic reaction to foods Iv been eating.  I know right ! C'MON People...Celiac Disease. That means NO WHEAT! Which basically means no carbs. And, as I am Woman. Things like cakes, cookies, bread etc are an important part of my life. I was also told, Lactose usually goes hand in hand with Celiac so I should try to cut out both from my diet. Yea Right! So, with this information and mix ups with my blood work, it actually wasn't confirmed right away but I was told to change my diet anyway. In between all this, I had had a few drinks, (It was Christmas/New Years/Birthday) , your father and I went snowboarding (and let me tell you, I'm not the most grace full swan on the pond), more X-Rays, medication changes etc etc. Basically, things that YOU SHOULD NOT do while pregnant. I did. But I still  didn't know.

February 18th 2010 I went for my follow up ultra sound with dread and fear inside me. I didn't want go. I mean I REALLY didn't want to go. I was told all the "What If's" and "Could Be's" and part of me just didn't want more bad news. Things couldn't have been more further...

So there I am, lying on the table, telling the Dr some of my history when I hear "OH"..."OK"...I start to panic. "OH...What does that mean...Good OH or Bad OH"...I can feel the tears start to build behind my eyes and she swivels the chair towards me. She takes a deep breath and says...."I'm going to guess you didn't know you were pregnant?" As I just stare at her, my mouth was gaping open and closed like fish. "And not a little bit pregnant...a lot actually. Probably 20-23 weeks approximately." She says. She then turned the screen and there you are. A Full Grown Baby! (well 5 months but you know what I mean) I can see fingers and toes. Legs, arms and your open mouth hanging open like your in shock too. Then I did the only thing I could do at the moment. I BURST INTO LOUD HICCUPING SOBBY TEARS!

Afterwords there were a parade of tests and scans. Because of my having a very Under active Thyroid, my hormone level didn't spike at all. No morning sickness, nausea or anything. I need medication just to make it semi-normal. I took a pregnancy test and low and behold it came back....NEGATIVE.. Yep, my hormone level wasn't high enough to show you were in there.....I assure you though, you were hale and hearty swimming around like the little fertile fugitive you were. I was told it was a miracle I didn't miscarry in the first trimester. That's exactly how I felt. That you were a MIRACLE.

Your Daddy was working one town over and I didn't want to tell him over the phone. So I waited till he got home that night and since we had plans (Tickets to go see Jeff Dunham) I followed him into the bathroom and sat on the floor while he took his shower. I asked about his day, how the house he was building was coming along, anything and everything because I didn't know how to tell him. Oh I knew he would be ecstatic but c'mon, this was a surprise to us both. A GREAT surprise, but a shock non the less. Finally he asked how the Dr's appointment went. He had been completely positive though everything. Assuring me everything was going to be fine. He's such a rock. So, there I am on the bathroom floor, and I say...."Soooo......Got News!" "Good or Bad?" He asks. "Good. Definitely Good" I say. I must have sounded funny because he pulled back the curtain and stared at me. He is either psychic or could read it on my face because the next thing he said was " WE"RE PREGNANT!!!" Not a question but a statement. Which I then followed by bursting into tears again. I was becoming such a water pot that day. Daddy got out of the shower, held  me and sniffed along with me. It seems our prayers were answered.

So you see, even though you were not exactly on the calendar of events, you were most definitely wanted. Already cherished. And most defiantly loved. The second I seen you on that screen you were mine and and I loved you.. Remember that

The days that followed we told our families, my work and some friends. When they say you 'POP" you really do. It seemed that a week wearing nothing but yoga pants made you drop and make your presents known. I went from not being pregnant to being REALLY pregnant in a matter of days. My medication was adjusted and I was monitored closely by our OBGYN Dr Karla Khan very frequently. 

Everything was fine. More then fine. Everything was amazingly perfect. So, that's how you came to be. I bet you thought that I was going to go into detail of HOW you were made. Ha.....lets just say that our friend Carol McNally's Halloween party + a Lil Devil Costume = Baby Mack 9 Months Later!!!

All kidding aside. If we can ever have any more babies, and I would love them with everything I have; You will always be my miracle baby. The one who fought so hard and was so determined to be here no matter what.
I'm so glad you took up that fight.

I love you Little Girl
Always and Forever


Friday, February 11, 2011

One Amazing Proposal

Dear Daughter

Since its that time of year I thought a good story to share would be the night your Daddy proposed to me. Let me tell you, it was definitely surprising, and absolutely amazing.

As you know, racing is pretty big in our family. Its not just a hobby, but a way of life. Back in Ontario, everyone gets together to see "Friday Night Thunder" and we all go from track to track during racing season. Everyone lends a hand, whether to cheer a driver on, change tires or to add tear offs to a helmet and clean mud off the cars. (Those were my jobs)  I wanted to be able to do more; And since I'm a complete dunce when it comes to the inner workings of the cars, I volunteered at the race track. My job was to work in the radio tower along with another official. We counted laps, cars, passing points and so on. Sent all those numbers into the higher ups like I.M.C.A Canada etc. We also got the best birds eye view of the races.

 September 27th  is a date I will never forget. I had recently been in Ontario for a while. Your Uncle Jason and Aunt Laura had welcomed your cousin Landon into the world on the 11th of that month. I volunteered to take the night shift to give the new parents a little rest. It also gave me time to spend with family. Of course, coming home I hit one rut after another. My flight was behind schedule due to the bad weather, luggage took forever, the road conditions were crappy. But I didn't mind. My best friend Lyndsay was there to pick me up, and even though the drive took hours, her and I could talk for that long and more. So there we were , singing along to the radio, eating snacks from Esso and guzzling Tim Hortons and not once did she let on that she knew. Let me tell you, we told each other most everything, but not once did I guess something was out of the ordinary.

By the time we made it to the race track it was late and I had missed your Daddy's race. Lyndsay dropped me off at the pit gates and I climbed/fell over the fence to get to the bleachers. I raced up to the radio tower and said my hello's to the other officials. We had made it there in time for the awards ceremony. See, it was the last race of the year and the race track gave out awards for best driving, points, best looking cars etc. I had just got myself settled when I heard  my name being called. James and Kathy, the owners of the track were on the straight away and were saying my name. They were giving me an award for my dedication to the track. With a push out the door I made my way back down the steep steps, praying in my nervousness that I wouldn't trip and fall. I hopped through the fence and made my way to them. Then I noticed they weren't looking at me, but over my shoulder.

I looked behind me and everything seemed to get really quiet and went in slow motion. There was your father. Full race suit on, coming out from behind one the the cars with a microphone in his hand. He stared right into  my eyes and said, (to the crowd, not to me) "I would have done this earlier folks, but someones plane was delayed."  I stood there in shock and awe as a watched him get down on one knee. Afterwords he had to fill me in on what he said because at that moment, even though I could see his lips moving, his voice, even over the loud speaker was drowned out by the crowd. Fans up and down the spectator and pit sides were screaming, cheering and whistling. He must have said some pretty wonderful things because I was blinded by the flashes of cameras and almost deaf from the roar of the crowd.

I wish I could say I did the dignified and romantic thing and threw myself into his arms. But its me! All I could do is stare in shock with my  mouth hanging open catching flies. A hush went over the crowd and he repeated himself again. "I love you. Will you Marry Me?" Still in my state of shock the crowd beat me to the punch. A chant started loud across the track . "SAY YES SAY YES SAY YES"  I looked up at the crowd then back at your Daddy and then. finally I nodded my head, screamed yes, and threw myself at him.

Since there were children present we kept our smooches G rated and he slipped the most beautiful ring I have ever seen on my finger. The crowd screamed and stomped there feet, I cried, and your Daddy had the biggest grin on his face. We made our way over to a push truck to head back to the pits. And because everything this evening was perfectly imperfect, the truck died half way off and the push truck had to be pushed off the track. We were OK with that. We just worked at a higher rating in the front seat.

Afterwords, when the pit gates opened to the fans, we were hugged, kissed and congratulated till I thought I would just die of happiness.The race track website was flooded with pictures of the proposal and well  wishes. I found out without my knowing, Daddy and gone shopping with Lyndsay, who helped him pick out the perfect ring. She and the owners of the racetrack were the only ones who knew what he was going to do. I'm still amazed that they were able to keep it from me .

So, that's the story of how your Daddy asked me to be his wife. I can safely say it will go down in the record books as one of the most amazing proposals out there. Kind of like a fairy tale. You know, minus the white charger and plus the flashy race car. Is it any wonder I was shocked speechless.

I know you will  have your fairy tale hero one day sweetheart. Just like I do.

I Love You Little Girl
Always & Forever

written: 09/29/2010