"Take love, multiply it by infinity and take it to the depths of forever...

... and you still have only a glimpse of how I feel for you."

- Meet Joe Black

Monday, April 9, 2012

I'm Tired of Making Lemonade....

* Note: This was difficult to write. I wasn't sure that I should or could. But getting it off my chest, has made me feel lighter, and that I'm not alone. If you would like a little background info on our Miracle Baby, you can find it here.How You Came To Be Thanks again for reading, and all your kind words.

Dear Daughter

This has been probably one of the most difficult letters to write you to date. I'm sorry that I haven't written one in a while. I wasn't able to talk about this yet. Before you get worried, no, Mama's not sick. Just....tired of all this lemonade. 

They say, when life hands you lemons, make lemonade. But when is it acceptable to throw your hands in the air and say "I don't WANT anymore Freakin lemonade!!!" I feel like that. Like the glass half empty girl. And I'm sorry for that. It's not me. It's not how I wish to be. For me, and for you and Daddy. I am usually a pretty positive, happy person. Optimistic. But right now, I'm finding it a little difficult....

Let's rewind a bit....Back in December, your Daddy and I made the decision to try for another baby. We love you so much. Your our world. We were hoping for one just like you in the male variety.lol. We also new that there was a chance it might not happen. But hey, we beat the odds before hadn't we. So, off we went to our Dr. After getting labs done, physicals, more labs etc we were called in a month or so later. I'll let you in on a little something.... When the Dr. Called I thought for SURE that she was going to tell me I was pregnant. I was so excited. Planning how I was going to tell our family and friends. Boy was I wrong. I walked into that Drs office, and I noticed all these pamphlets on the table......For Menopause.

"Your labs have come back, there are some things we need to talk about." That's what the Dr said. The blood work had made two things clear. The first (which we knew) was that I had Poly-Cystic Ovarian Syndrome. Which basically means that I only ovulate a few times a year. I knew this. Knew it would lessen our chances. The labs also reported a few numbers. Not good ones either. Now I hope this makes sense because the Dr had diagrams and I wasn't really listening through it all. Your Pituitary gland in your brain sends out "signals" for two hormones to be released. Which then does the same for your ovaries, uterus, thyroid etc. At any given time those hormone levels run roughly from 72 to 1300. My labs came back at 136. This number is had by someone usually in their forty's. Someone going through menopause. I was told, at 118, you have officially become menopausal.

I'm in the beginning stages of menopause. These low numbers basically mean that my ovaries are slowing down and ceasing to function. Once they stop, there is nothing they can do. There is no medication that will reverse what's going on inside me.....

And it's just not fair!

I didn't really feel anything when she told me. I didn't know what to think. What to feel. i didn't want to believe it. I'm 27. I'm too young to go through this. This is ridiculous. Why me? It can't be happening.  Later, after explaining everything to your Daddy...then it began to set in. And let me tell you. I was pissed!

It wasn't fair. For many reasons this whole thing made me think this is some cosmic joke set out to make my life more difficult. People have babies all the time. People who don't even want them.Who beings menopause in their 20?!?! Because of my other health concerns, this could open up a bunch of other potential risks and conditions.Heart Disease? Me?  Don't I have enough? I've joked before that the day the Lord gave out immunity I slept in. But C'MON!!! I'm on all sorts of medications, have labs done monthly, why not add this one more thing on. I'm Epileptic and on medication to control the seizures.  Hypothyroidism with more pills to manage the hormones. PCOS, but hey, a lot of women have that right?  I'm Asthmatic (with 3 inhalers) , have low blood  pressure, iron deficiency, wear coke bottle glasses and am allergic to every GOD DAMN thing that grows outside along with a whole wack of foods to make life more fun. So what's one more thing to add to my plate, as if I don't have enough to deal with. I didn't understand why HE, why the world would do this to me when I considered myself a good person. I don't smoke, drink or do drugs. I volunteer every week for cripes sake! I call my family every week, write them letters every month and bake freaking cookies for the freaking neighbors and yes...make all the lemonade I can stand to make! And yet.....this is really happening.

That first week was horrible. Yes, I threw myself a little pity party, complete with balloons. I didn't return friends calls. Didn't leave the house. And cried sporadically in the bathroom. All the while I tried my damndest to make sure this didn't effect how I parented you. We made crafts, baked, sang songs and read books just like we usually do. I was  determined to make sure you never felt one ounce of my sadness. But on the inside I was crying. No, I didn't want to talk about it. No I didn't want to call anyone. Next week, Id say. Next week I will talk. But now, right now, I wanted to cry, and scream, and not be accepting. And there was sadness. Everyday, for the next few weeks I woke up feeling down.  What did I do to deserve this. All we wanted was another baby to love. Why was I such a failure. As a wife. A mother. A woman.

I eventually took you out and about again....showered lol.....started talking to your Daddy about how I was feeling. And then one Tuesday rolled around. I had taken you to the park for a little Teddy Bear Picnic, complete with more then enough stuffies, lunch and as fate would have it...lemonade.  A group of women were there with their own children, chatting among themselves. On their way out two of the ladies stopped by our blanket. "Is she yours?" (cause apparently I look like I'm 12) "Yep, goofy laugh, double chin and all!" "She's really cute, and looks like she's having fun. Your such a good mummy to do things like this with her."

And there it was. The moment when I realized how selfish I was being. How ungrateful. Here is this little ball of crazy sunshine that your Daddy and I made. One who makes me laugh and smile and want to just squeeze everyday, and here I was, wanting...no expecting more. That's when I woke up a gave myself a shake. You, my Sweet Baby Girl are our little Miracle Baby. You are my reason for breathing. I am so proud of every little thing you do and accomplish everyday. You make me want to be a better person. Not just mother and wife, but a person. One who loves herself, flaws and all.

That night I told your Daddy that everything was going to be ok. I was going to be ok. We're not giving up. Ohh nooooo nelly! We are still going to try. I've made an appt with our OB. She says that the window is still open. There there are a few things we can try before the opportunity is gone.  So no siree, we are not giving up. I'm going to go on some medication that might give us a little help, and your Daddy is 100% on the try try again train. Who knows, you might get a little brother or sister in your future.

But one thing I know for certain now. Something I should have known before. Weather we are successful at this go ahead or not...we are already blessed. We were already given the best thing that anyone could ever hope for. We were given you, against the odds, and in our favor. So for that....everyday I will be thankful.

And next time.....I'll just make pie....everyone loves pie.

I love you little girl
Always & Forever