"Take love, multiply it by infinity and take it to the depths of forever...

... and you still have only a glimpse of how I feel for you."

- Meet Joe Black

Thursday, May 31, 2012

Confessions of a Stay At Home Mama...

Dear Daughter

Recently, Jess Constable of Makeunder My Life wrote a blog post. It sparked a twitter conversation about how over styled and/or perfect our lives can appear on blogs/Facebook/Pinterest yada yada. Most people go on these social media sites to share thoughts, ideas that inspire us, day to day living, photos, gorgeous products or homes we covet etc. From the outside looking in, lives can sometimes appear rosier than they are.

Then look at things from a woman's perspective. Or a mother's. A daughters. A friend.  Most of us can't help it. We look at other peoples Facebook feeds and think "Oh.My.Lanta! That is amazing" or "How does she find the time" or "I wish I had thought of that". Or the past comment I got "Did you really do that , or are you just showing off". Now the last was said in a joking manner, but to me it was hurtful...and thought provoking.  Do I only post, tag, photograph the good, and leave out the bad....  

Heck Ya I do! Why the H.E. Double hockey stick would I photograph a picture of your crib after you decided that "nope, no diaper for me...oh and btw I made a doodie"
Does that  sound like something Id be ecstatic about at 3 in the morning? Nope! 

Now in saying that, I have posted about things that have just driven me up the wall, made me want to cry and induced almost blubbering, but all in all I mostly post about good things. Happy things. Things that make me go "awww, I wish you stayed this size/age/temperament for eva and eva"

Then a challenge was issued. To share things we wouldn't typically talk about on our walls,blogs, and boards . Things like  imperfections, insecurities, quirks, etc.

So here goes...The Confessions of THIS Stay At Home Mama....

1) In the morning (read:every morning) I stick you on the couch with a glass of milk and put Elmo/Dora/Super Readers on until the coffee is made. Until that glorious machine stops sputtering, I'm a walking zombie with no interest in changing out of my sweats.

2) Besides the Go-To Craft Cupboard upstairs, I have 2 large boxes of nothing but scrapbook paper, 13 boxes of misc. craft supplies, 138 balls of yarn, 11 empty scrapbooks and 4, 2 gallon bottles filled with buttons, stamps and beads that I refuse to "Yard Sale" because I know ONE DAY I will use them....You say hoarder, I call it thinking ahead.

3) I own 27.5  of what I call "Happy Socks".  Leopard print, smiley faces, lights, feathers and even Winnie the Pooh are all part of my collection. Others don't know I'm wearing them, but I do. And that gives me a little Happy Oh So Secret Perk Up to my day!

4) On our bed, we have two comforters. One duvet and and a thin quilt. That's right, your Daddy and I rarely share a blanket. You see, he's a human heater and I'm a Popsicle most of the time. We love each other so much, but only seek the "shared blanket time" when my feet are cold or your father and I are....well.. you know...

5)Yes, we really do bake at least twice a week. Yes we really do crafts several times a week. And yes you get your "Canadian Physical Recomendation" of 3 hours  a day of active play. BUT... I'm a homebody, so if the choice is to have that play in at the park/ neighboring field or home...
I choose the playroom or backyard 7 times out of 10.  Why? No really good excuse...But if I'd have to say....As a red head, the sun and I have a love/hate relationship. Mosquitoes think I'm a Kings Palace Buffet, Sand ALWAYS gets in places it shouldn't be, and it never fails I trip/slip/hulk stomp a hole in the ground and end up on my patootie.

6)Our house is clean. I make sure that things are swept,mopped and germ free. But if you want to haggle the difference between Clean Vs Tidy....Well...Let's just say our home looks "lived in" . We have a lot going on throughout the day, so who could blame me if I chose Slime Making over laundry....Who?

7) I'm going to  contradict myself and say I LOVE Going out! (see#5)..I LOVE grocery shopping. I LOVE going to the post office. I LOVE those mundane errands that others think are a nusence because they get me out of the house doing something different. I'm like a puppy as soon as we get in the car. Big smile on my face, head halfway out the window, bopping to some tunes. I easily waste a few hours strolling Walmart's isle's and don't even get me started on the Dollar Store.

8)The Library is like my little piece of Heaven on Earth. Really, I could go there everyday and never be bored. You and I go a handful of  times a week. Between drop in play, Rhyme Time and our weekly family stop off, we probably spend upwards of 6 hours at the library every week. (ok, sometimes more) Reading might be an obsession in our house, but there are worse obsessions. Emirite?!!?

9) I sometimes bribe you to eat your meals by promising candy or ice cream afterwards... then sometimes I conveniently forget.....Then I  give you Yogurt Popcicles or Fruit Kabobs instead. Yes. I'm a briber, and a  liar...... and I ate your candy.

10) Sometimes I think I'm becoming my mother . Don't get me wrong, I love my mother! But I find myself saying some of the things  she used to say, that at the time I thought were ridiculous and drove me to the brink of insanity. Of course, anything I might say is not serious, and just something that happens to fit the situation...
Like ...
"Let me finish doing your hair or I will snatch you bald headed"(what does that even mean?)
"Ohh Baby, did you squat your finger in the cupboard...lemme kissem better!" (squat??)
"Noo lovey, those are Mama's candies....you get these yummy dried fruit ones" (total B.S.)
"You look like an orphan" (short pants, holey clothes, stains etc)
"Don't have a canary!" or "Conniption Fit!" (Is that even possible?Nope!)
"Open Your Ears By'"(She still says this, and now I do....I still don't know what it means...)

I also find myself laughing like her, that full body-throw your head back-hear you a block away, laugh. I'm sure 20-30- years from now, you'll be saying the same things, and shaking your head thinking "Oh, No! I'm turning into my mother!"

So there it is. Well a few of them at least. I assure there are other things I do that would make "scaredy face" on some other parents, that I do with no hesitation. 

 I've said it before, and I'll say it again....

Nope, I'm not perfect. But I do my best. I love deeply and whole heartily. I truly BELIEVE that good things are going to happen, and I try to be thankful at least once a day...

I love you little girl
Always & Forever

Monday, May 14, 2012

Dear Mother...

Dear Daughter

Mother's Day has come and gone for another year. We spent the day at the lake, having a picnic with your Daddy. We played in the sand, put our feet in the water, and chased bubbles across the park. It was a very relaxed, and very perfect day spent with the two loves of my life.

After we came home, had you bathed, fed, read, and in bed, I finally got a chance to call my mother. We spent a good hour on the phone chatting about nothing and everything. How we spent out day, books we are reading, Avon catalogs and Old Navy must haves. The usual. Later on that night, I started some philosophical thinking. You know...The woulda, shoulda, coulda's. With us out here in Alberta, and your Nanny, Aunties, Uncles and other countless amount of Catholic-Newfie sized family out on the East Coast,  you can imagine we don't get to see them much. I started thinking back on all the grief, and hell-fire I put your Nanny through. All the late night card games, confessions and cuppa's in the kitchen. All the advice I didn't listen to and wish I had. And all of the numerous things we did together.

And I started thinking, if I had to make make a list, one that had all of the highlighted (in my mind anyways) points of those times. What would it look like? What would I say? Could I express how I really felt?  Her and I still write letters to one another, on top of the many phone calls. Mostly, we write about our days, recipes etc. But I really wanted her to know how much those chats, cuppa's, games etc meant to me. Not at the time.:) At the time my sole goals were to A) Spend as much time as I could with my girlfiriends. B)Marry the grade school crush. C) Look like anyone but me.

Now that I''m grown up, I finally have the chance to tell her what a great mother she really is. How is raised me to be confidant, kind and generous. To work hard for what I want and always follow my dreams. She told me to always keep smiling. Inspire others. Appreciate a good sense of humor. She raised me to be creative and use my imagination. And most of all, to love. Deeply, wholeheartedly, and without reservation. 

So here it is! A compilation of just a few of the things I want My Mother to know. Things I hope she knows, I still remember. Things that, for that time in my life, meant everything...

Dear Mom. 
I dyed my hair blue with Kool Aid, and you didn't say I told you so.
Thank You
Love, Your Kid.

Dear Mom, 
You always told me I could be and do whatever I set my heart to. Seeing how you were so good at it, I just want to be a good mommy and wife. But if I had to choose an actual job...
I want to be a(n)_____ (musician/Dr/actress/ninja turtle/lawyer/hippi/bad ass police officer/the person who owns Franks downtown).
Love, Your Kid

Dear Mom,
Remember when I _______ (tried to do the dishes & flooded the kitchen / thought a snake would be a good pet / painted a moustache on you while you were sleeping) & you totally forgave me?
Thanks for that. 
Love, your Kid.

Dear Mom,
You always made my pancakes into shapes and letters. I always loved that.
Now I do that for Macaroni.
Love, your Kid

Dear Mom,
You always pointed out that spitting/picking your nose/ 'hawking a lougi'/cussing weren't "Lady-Like" things to do. I didn't appreciate it, and now say the same things to MJ. 
You were right!
Love, your Kid

Dear Mom,
You sang to me. Sometimes you rhymed, sometimes you sang stories, and sometimes Dr. Hook lyrics stuck in my head for weeks. Sometimes songs were silly, sometimes they made no sense, and sometimes they involved kindly spoken threats if I didn't clean my room.
In my book; Happiness=Singing while you clean. You sang to me a lot.
Love, your Kid
P.S. "I love you a bushel and a peck and a hug around the neck. A barrel and a heap, and I'm talking in my seep....about you!"

Dear Mom,
When Daddy passed away, you held things together, and kept me sane. I never appreciated the strength you showed, when in hindsight, you were hurting too. Thank you for being you. Being there. Loving. 
Love, your Kid

Dear Mom,
So, remember that time that your Ashley-Morgan knocked your huge spider plant over and it made a big mess?
Yeah, that was me. Sorry. Forgive and forget yada yada yada
Love, your Kid

Dear Mom,
I made your special Christmastime Snowball recipe this year without you. I followed your plans to a tee (a dash or this, and now put in a good handful of that) and they turned out delicious. Still not like yours, but good.
Love, your Kid

Dear Mom,
"Did you ever know that your my hero" Having a Bette  Middler/Beaches moment. I loved watching that movie with you.
Love, your Kid

Dear Mom,
You wouldn't have REALLY beat us with the giant four foot spoon......would ya?
Love, your Kid

Dear Mom,
I wouldn't exist without you. Literally.
Thanks for that.
Love, your Kid.

Dear Mom,
Although we live far away, and we don't get to see each other much; I hope you know that I think about you everyday. We talk to Macaroni about you, show her pictures and tell her stories. We look forward to our skyping dates, long phone calls and letters in the mail. 
We love you. We miss you. We hope to see you soon.
Love, the Daughter you raised, inspired, and grew up to want to be just like you.

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

A Mark For Every Breath You Took...

Dear Daughter

When you were born, you changed our lives in so many way. You made me love more, sleep less, have more patience, and be more creative. You made me be thankful for the little things. Count my blessings. Brush off negative thoughts and be who I am, to the best of my ability.  I became your mama the moment I learned you were coming. From that day on, I promised to do my best. I also learned that I'm not perfect. Far from it. I have faults, I get mad and  make mistakes. But I learn from them. 

Another change you made in  me is a little more visual. I laugh more. Smile more. I have creases on  my forehead from worry, and lines on my face from how absolutely, outrageously happy I am. And lower, on my tummy, where only you, my sweet baby girl, heard my heart beating, you left your mark there too.

There's a mark for every breath you took. Every blink. Every sleepy yawn. One for every time you sucked your thumb.Waved hello. Rolled around. And slept in the most perfect darkness. There's one for every hiccup, every smile and every dream you dreamed within me. 

I've got a mark for every worry, and trust me, there were a few. One for every kick, stretch and push. One for each of your perfect little toes, fingers, ears and nose. Clearly outlined in those first few photo's. 

I watched my body swell. Grow round. Create magic.
My feet were gone from sight, clothes didn't fit and from now till forever, my tummy wont be the same. You left your mark. Some call them stripes or badges of honor. Some might think they're ugly. But not me.

No, not me. These marks are there to remind me how much you wanted to be here. What a miracle you are. They show my pride, and my love. They adorn that special place that held you, when my arms couldn't.... yet. They are there forever. Now light silver lines, that once were raw and red. 

And I'd do it all over again, because those marks.....they'd mean I'd have you.

I love you my sweet baby girl.
Always & Forever