"Take love, multiply it by infinity and take it to the depths of forever...

... and you still have only a glimpse of how I feel for you."

- Meet Joe Black

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Worst Mommy Award

Dear Daughter

Let me preface this by reminding you how much I love you. It doesn't matter that you cry sometimes, that your diapers can make my eyes water or that "Helpful Hints of the Future" from other parents scare me senseless. I love you. 

The other night I had one of "Those Nights". The ones other parents never tell you about because they feel they can't share. Well, I'll share. Up until now your father and I considered ourselves pretty lucky. You rarely cry, and only when you have a #1 in your diaper. Now, a #2, meh, doesn't bother you. Generally you have been a pretty happy baby so far, so this night was a shock to the sense's.

All day you had been a "little off". You had been a little winy, a little clingy, and drooling like that dog Hooch in the movie with Tom Hank. Your cries had been steadily escalating in quantity and pitch over that last hour and it was becoming increasingly apparent (at least to me) that I WAS A FAILURE! 

I mean, I thought I was doing a decent job at the "Mom" thing until then. I tried the million different things that have either a) worked in the past 2) were told to us by others or c) that the ever knowledgeable "What to Expect" book said to do. I rocked, bounced, changed, fed, burped and repeated and still nothing worked. Your Daddy was late getting home from work, and I was praying he would walk in the door to help and then.....your cries went off the scale. I did the thing that parents don't really talk about.. I put you in in your crib, leaned against the wall and slid to the floor where I promptly burst into tears.I covered my ears and rocked a little bit. I bet I looked insane.  I felt like such a failure.That I deserved the "Worst Mother of the Year Award".  You were crying, I felt at the end of my rope and on top of that add on the great heap of guilt for letting your cry. Not just letting you, but actively trying not to hear. This only lasted a few moments, but those were the longest, and most guilt ridden moments of my life thus far.

I then had an idea. I ran to our room and grabbed my Ipod. Now let me tell you, I like to sing as much as the next person. In the privacy of my shower where I can't scare small children. Iv been compared to a Cat on a Hot Tin Roof. I'm that good.! I put in the ear buds, flipped songs till I came to some of the GLEE soundtracks, (yes, I'm a Gleek) and picked you up. I resumed my seat on the floor with you cuddled to me and started to sing along. 

Now, I don't know if it was the rocking, cuddles or the power of Journey at their finest but miraculously, you stopped crying. In between songs you brought it down to a few sniffles. And that's where Daddy found us. Dancing around the room, Ipod on full blast, my eyes shut and singing my heart out. And you, you were asleep.I must have looked a wreck. Dressed in yoga pants, hair not brushed, certainly hadn't showered, swaying back and forth ....and a smile on my face.

You see  I had realized that I can't be the best Mama all the time. I can try my best. Give you everything I have. But sometimes, your just going to want to cry. I stopped thinking of myself as a failure and started thinking I was a work in progress. You had fallen asleep. I had done that. Well, Journey helped, and maybe your exhaustion had a part in it. But mostly, I helped. You reminded me that you might not always "Need" something other then me. Just a hug and a kiss and the Mama smell that is me. Just to hold you and remind you that your loved and I'm there. Always.

So, remember in the future. That even though I might get flustered and appear to have it all together. I probably don't. But that's OK. We'll figure things together.

I love you Little Girl
Always and Forever

written: 10/.20/2010

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