How You Came To Be

Dear Daughter


I have seen those shows on t.v. 'I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant!' and thought..."C'mon....How could you possibly NOT know you were pregnant? There's a Baby in there. You have to know! " Well I'm going to tell you about how we came to know we were pregnant with you. You see, I didn't know I was pregnant. In fact,  I was already 5 months along!!!!


Lets rewind a little shall we and give you a little history. I have always had my share of medical conditions. I swear, the day The Lord gave out immunity I must have slept in that day. Your Aunt Ashley and Uncle Jason are perfectly fine. Me, well, not so much.  I need glasses, have asthma, I'm epileptic, I'm allergic to practically everything outside and a handful of foods. I have Thyroid disease and am told I might have Poly cystic Ovarian Syndrome. That last one ties into how you came to be. Iv  been on and off different medications since I was a child and even now have to get monthly blood work to make sure everything is going according to plan. What all this boils down to is, I'm a hurting unit. 


But nothing hurt me more then when a few years ago, I was told I could never have children. I was devastated. All I ever wanted to be was a good Mother and Wife and it seemed fate was taking that away from me. After many tests, ultra sounds and medication trials, it seemed that my body just didn't want to ovulate. In plain speaking, for several years, my "Aunt Flo" refused to come for a visit. We were told, it happens for 5-10% of women. It might pick back up again, but they don't know for sure.Daddy said we could always adopt. But I wanted one of my own Then, the ball began to roll...


Late fall of 2010, I had a routine ultra-sound. My mother, and other family members have had a turn at the big 'C' and apparently I had "A" Typical cells. When the results came in. I was told I had a mass in my uterus. Now ,my white cells were fine they said. It could mean a cyst, or several other things . What they would do, My Dr said is monitor it. Keep checking my cell counts and have a follow up ultra sound in the future to see if the "mass" has grown. I left the Dr's office scared, a little sick to my stomach and upset, understandably. But in No way did I ever imagine I was pregnant. Why would I? I was told it was impossible right? Fast forward to Christmas, and I was back at the Dr's with a lung infection which had me on antibiotics, and x-rays to view other goings on in my body. I know what your thinking X-RAYS!!! NOOOOOO but remember I didn't know you were in there. Soon after I started to feel cramping, tired and bloated all the time, but especially after I ate. I was then told I had Celiac Disease. That I was having an allergic reaction to foods Iv been eating.  I know right ! C'MON People...Celiac Disease. That means NO WHEAT! Which basically means no carbs. And, as I am Woman. Things like cakes, cookies, bread etc are an important part of my life. I was also told, Lactose usually goes hand in hand with Celiac so I should try to cut out both from my diet. Yea Right! So, with this information and mix ups with my blood work, it actually wasn't confirmed right away but I was told to change my diet anyway. In between all this, I had had a few drinks, (It was Christmas/New Years/Birthday) , your father and I went snowboarding (and let me tell you, I'm not the most grace full swan on the pond), more X-Rays, medication changes etc etc. Basically, things that YOU SHOULD NOT do while pregnant. I did. But I still  didn't know.


February 18th 2010 I went for my follow up ultra sound with dread and fear inside me. I didn't want go. I mean I REALLY didn't want to go. I was told all the "What If's" and "Could Be's" and part of me just didn't want more bad news. Things couldn't have been more further...


So there I am, lying on the table, telling the Dr some of my history when I hear "OH"..."OK"...I start to panic. "OH...What does that mean...Good OH or Bad OH"...I can feel the tears start to build behind my eyes and she swivels the chair towards me. She takes a deep breath and says...."I'm going to guess you didn't know you were pregnant?" As I just stare at her, my mouth was gaping open and closed like fish. "And not a little bit pregnant...a lot actually. Probably 20-23 weeks approximately." She says. She then turned the screen and there you are. A Full Grown Baby! (well 5 months but you know what I mean) I can see fingers and toes. Legs, arms and your open mouth hanging open like your in shock too. Then I did the only thing I could do at the moment. I BURST INTO LOUD HICCUPING SOBBY TEARS!


Afterwords there were a parade of tests and scans. Because of my having a very Under active Thyroid, my hormone level didn't spike at all. No morning sickness, nausea or anything. I need medication just to make it semi-normal. I took a pregnancy test and low and behold it came back....NEGATIVE.. Yep, my hormone level wasn't high enough to show you were in there.....I assure you though, you were hale and hearty swimming around like the little fertile fugitive you were. I was told it was a miracle I didn't miscarry in the first trimester. That's exactly how I felt. That you were a MIRACLE.


Your Daddy was working one town over and I didn't want to tell him over the phone. So I waited till he got home that night and since we had plans (Tickets to go see Jeff Dunham) I followed him into the bathroom and sat on the floor while he took his shower. I asked about his day, how the house he was building was coming along, anything and everything because I didn't know how to tell him. Oh I knew he would be ecstatic but c'mon, this was a surprise to us both. A GREAT surprise, but a shock non the less. Finally he asked how the Dr's appointment went. He had been completely positive though everything. Assuring me everything was going to be fine. He's such a rock. So, there I am on the bathroom floor, and I say...."Soooo......Got News!" "Good or Bad?" He asks. "Good. Definitely Good" I say. I must have sounded funny because he pulled back the curtain and stared at me. He is either psychic or could read it on my face because the next thing he said was " WE"RE PREGNANT!!!" Not a question but a statement. Which I then followed by bursting into tears again. I was becoming such a water pot that day. Daddy got out of the shower, held  me and sniffed along with me. It seems our prayers were answered.


So you see, even though you were not exactly on the calendar of events, you were most definitely wanted. Already cherished. And most defiantly loved. The second I seen you on that screen you were mine and and I loved you.. Remember that


The days that followed we told our families, my work and some friends. When they say you 'POP" you really do. It seemed that a week wearing nothing but yoga pants made you drop and make your presents known. I went from not being pregnant to being REALLY pregnant in a matter of days. My medication was adjusted and I was monitored closely by our OBGYN Dr Karla Khan very frequently. 


Everything was fine. More then fine. Everything was amazingly perfect. So, that's how you came to be. I bet you thought that I was going to go into detail of HOW you were made. Ha.....lets just say that our friend Carol McNally's Halloween party + a Lil Devil Costume = Baby Mack 9 Months Later!!!


All kidding aside. If we can ever have any more babies, and I would love them with everything I have; You will always be my miracle baby. The one who fought so hard and was so determined to be here no matter what.
I'm so glad you took up that fight.


I love you Little Girl
Always and Forever
Mama


written:11/10/2010